Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Melt down

I feel like I am generally a pretty tough person. I have moved a lot, seen a lot, done quite a bit and have learned slowly to take it all in stride (more or less). 2013 was full of some pretty significant life changes - I moved back to the US from some time in Uganda, prepared for marriage while working at a military clinic, got married, moved to NYC, started a new job, found a new church, started ministry in a way I never had before, etc. With D by my side I feel I weathered it pretty well. ...... until about a week ago. ha! 

We went to see our family the weekend before and after christmas (since I worked the week of christmas). The time was super and it was such a treat to see everyone. I think getting out of the noise and the busy and the stress of the past few months was almost not a good thing. I was reminded that there is a world outside of what we are called to that is, well, easier. I got really frustrated, really irritable, and fantastically despondent. I was rather fun to be around (thank God for a man who loves me even when I can't stand myself!). This sudden funk has been confusing and frustrating. What is my problem!?!  

Well, then it hit me..... The challenge with spending family time in short bursts is  that other things tend to fall to the wayside during that time. Exercise, healthy eating habits, and... God time to name a few. During times of change, transition, or just general life stress, time spent plugging into Jesus is sooooooo vital. He is the one who gives life; gives love; gives perspective. Without him we have nothing. We are nothing. Yes, we may be able to coast by for a bit and not notice too much but eventually it will catch up with us. This is particularly true for me. My job is very demanding and tears are a not too rare an occurrence. The city is busy and, although often fun in its stimulation, it can be exhausting without one even realizing it.     

For me now, I need Jesus more than ever to be everything that I clearly cannot be on my own. When I have spent time away from him I'm often wary of jumping back in again. It sounds tiring and demanding. [yup, my heart is more ugly than I would ever want to admit] I know that with God he will call me to love those who are hard to love, to give more than I want to give, and to live with a different mindset. Really though..... living with him is way better than living without him. He makes things worth it, even the tough things. There really is beauty with Christ in the struggle. I will never be enough and that is the point-- HE is Enough.  May this year be one of resting in the chaos and seeing God in the middle of it. To allow Him to lead my heart beside still waters and quiet my soul. To be everything especially when I'm nothing. 

Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

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