goodness

I have wrestled with writing this post for a while. I don't want this blog to be about evoking and emotional response, nor do I want it to be about me. The truth is, I am not good enough, strong enough, wise enough, etc to be doing the job God has called me to do here in africa. It has been very clear since before I came that this position was exactly what God had for me. I did not choose it, God chose it for me. It is truth like that which make difficult times manageable and allows for God to be glorified in ways more amazing than ever!

A little over a week ago, I was struggling with my purpose here. The medicine is not quite what I'm used to and I felt that I wasn't as effective or helpful as I wanted to be. In the middle of my crabbiness, I went to the Passion Concert in Kampala where I was surrounded by thousands of Ugandans worshiping the Lord. It was incredible and God met with me in very personal ways. He gently reminded me that my call was not to save the world, but to make much of him and to be faithful with what he had given me. He has called me to love on his little ones until they are either well enough to go home or until they meet Jesus. The job is not about me. It is about him. Little did I know that I would be able to apply this so quickly.....

Enter Petra. This two month old little kiddo came with her mama here about 2 weeks ago. The story goes that she was born a plump 7.7 pounds but may have had some difficulty after birth, since then she has struggled to nurse and was being fed cows milk 3 times a day by her faithful but struggling mama. By the time she joined us she shrunk down to half of what she was at about 3 pounds. For a while she was trucking along here... taking feeds we provided and going steady. Then she decided that important life activities such as breathing were not always necessary. The tale of everything that we have been through with her is medically mind blowing. Things like transfusions-with the one bag of blood in town that just happened to be her 'A' blood type, surviving nights that seemed impossible, etc. She is still going by the grace of God and literally nothing else.

All of that is background though. What I really want to tell you and what I want you to think about is this: God is good. Period. He is sovereign and is glorified always. This journey is exhausting. There have been and continue to be many sleepless nights watching the rise and fall of Petra's little chest. There have been moments where I have prayed that God just take her home. Why prolong what appears to be pretty uncomfortable suffering?? As I wrestle with God over this, this is what I have been reminded of. That is not my call. I am doing for her all that I can do medically with the knowledge I have and our very limited resources. The rest is very literally in the hands of God. He has numbered her breaths. He knows if she will meet him face to face in the next few minutes or many years from now. He has her.

Petra's mama has been here for the tumultuous journey, timidly trying to support her very little daughter. Although we both speak very little of the others language, I have been able to connect with her a bit. The past several days she has come into the clinic room while I am working and has said 'well done sister.' The first time she uttered those words I am quite sure my heart almost stopped. They may not mean as much to her, but for me it was straight from the Lord. God sees. He knows. He is Sovereign. He has, for whatever reason, allowed me to be a part of this little girl's story. If that means loving her back into his arms then so be it. He does not ask us to change or save the world, he simply asks us to be obedient and to make much of him. He really is near to the poor and broken-hearted. He is very present and very visible. He is good. May he be glorified in all of this.