broken

I’m generally a pretty strong person, or at least I like to think that I am. I can put up with a lot. It takes a lot to break me. Well this past week I broke. Like way broke. I met my match and reached the end of myself….

Things have been a bit crazy with baby petra. We took her for testing at the hospital this past week and the physician concluded that she may have a rare form of aplastic anemia that within weeks or months will take her life. Hurts my heart. She has been a bit more ‘stable’ though which allowed me to spend a few days with Daniel trekking Mount Elgon during his ‘fall’ break. Per the guides it is supposed to be an ‘easy trek’. Ha. It was beautiful, but not easy. I guess the many sleepless nights with petra didn’t really help on the front end though either… Before we left a friend was talking about how Jesus would go up the mountain to pray and we joked about how that was what Daniel and I were going to do. I didn’t realize how true that would be…

In 3 ½ days we trekked a total of 80+ kilometers. Most consisted of muddy pseudo-trails and steep, rocky ridges. We hiked through rain (sometimes of an ice variety), frigid temps, etc while trying to avoid biting ants and broken ankles. Somewhere in the middle of all of it I reached my limit. I can usually talk myself through challenges and muscle my way through difficulties, but I wasn’t sure if I could this time. I have never been so homesick and so unsure of myself all of a sudden. It was humbling. Scary really. Emotions came in torrents. Spiritual attacks were frequent and intense. Lies from the devil played with my mind as I trudged through the slippery mud.  ‘you aren’t cut out for this’. ‘you aren’t good enough’. ‘you don’t belong in Africa much less on this mountain’………    been there? I thus did what any normal, broken girl would do. I cried. Daily. Haha    Daniel was a rockstar and God used him to speak truth into the wounded and raw parts of my heart.  [thank you God for an incredible man!]

I am not 100% better. I don’t trust God as I should. There are big decisions to make and changes on the horizon that I have not surrendered and do not have answers for. I am learning though. Growing. Healing. In the moments when you have nothing you can do one of two things—press into the Lord with all you have or wilt in hopeless despair. So I press with what meager strength I possess. I have a little calendar on my shelf that provides a daily quote and verse. The one for today reads: ‘God never wastes times of testing’. Oh Lord….. ha. So may this all be for his glory because I don’t have the energy or wherewithal to take credit for anything at the moment. :) I think that is the way he wants it to be anyway!