God has been doing so much lately... heart stuff. hard stuff. someday maybe i'll learn to welcome his heart digging more gracefully. it has slowly been sifting out to a few major themes:
I used to resent this word. It sounds so stuffy and formal. God bless you friends who are catholic, but the thought of assigning 'vocation' to things makes me a little crabby, especially things like 'being a wife' or someday (far off) being a 'mommy.' In retrospect, the resentment was mostly a product of my personal pride. I have tempered my goals some over the years but part of me still wants to save the world. I want to do 'big' things. Home/family-based ministry is important, but I never gave it as much value as it's due. This past month I have been essentially without a 'job' as I await hospital privileges. That has left me floundering a bit and doing little things like babysitting (which by the way is not little... precocious 8yr olds are hard work!!) I have been convicted a bit about my attitude though and the true value in things like being a wife. My ministry is now to my husband; to be a wife that loves, supports, encourages, and does things that seem menial (cooking, cleaning, etc) out of love and joy. We give it so little attention or value in society, but it's so important.
Isn't this a forever lesson?!? Each time God brings it up, it's to a deeper level. He is so gentle, so willing to lead and guide me, but gosh if I'm not one of his most stubborn creatures!! My struggle with identity piggy-backs the vocation issue... I am my own worst enemy in this area. I want to provide; to go; to do; to fix; to help; to serve.....pretty much to be "practically perfect in every way" (thanks mary poppins).....I hold expectations for myself that far exceed anything anyone would ever hold me to. what about just being? God keeps placing me in positions of holding... where he has given me a job but forces me to wait for it to begin. (clearly i'm kind of a dense child) I think it's to teach me that even when i'm not trying to save the world, I am worth it. God is crazy about us even when we aren't doing. Obviously his grace is not simply a get out of jail card that allows us to do whatever we want or to be lazy, but so often we don't believe that his grace is enough in and of itself. I am loved. Not because of what I do or don't do, but because God has chosen to love me.
It seems the logical apex for my trifecta of life headings as of late. God is one of grace. Infinite grace. I fail, intentionally or unintentionally over and over and over and over. There is nothing that I can do to earn it. No amount of goodness will outdo my sinfulness. I also cannot come close to repaying God by doing good things. Goodness I try though. When I fail, I not only deny God's grace I refuse to give myself grace. So foolish. By doing this I rob myself of the greatest gift ever given and, in essence, throw it back in God's face.
I have not learned all of these lessons.... they are still very much a work in progress. The blessing is that God is one of patience. He longs for us to be more like him and will work through these things with us. What an incredible God we serve!